My Now
Writing out my history and remembering my path, it brings me a perspective of my goals–I need an outlet, a hobby, an interest.
I don’t love sports, even though I played so many as a child, it’s almost surprising I never continued netball as an adult. That wasn’t the path for me and it’s nice to know I gave it a good try.
Not a big art fan–colouring gives me anxiety. I am one of those people that doesn’t like it when the colours touch and I hyperfixate on what colours to put next to each. It brings more stress than it relevies when I colour or draw. I prefer looking at other people’s creations.
As a child we did knit with Nan and I loved it but that was very much an only-during-family-holidays activity (probably to keep the kids quiet and busy). It holds no interest for me as an adult.
Through watching a friend and her partner grow a family as well as an online business, I saw that was what I wanted. As I began to play around with content and making drafts, I realised there was so much to learn in this space—so many options, so much opportunity to just pivot if you didn’t like something. You can try, and change, and try again until you find what works for you, all while taking everything you learned last time with you into the new vision.
I began my online business originally with the intention of launching a blog–even created a website very similar to the one you are on now. I never posted. Never wrote a draft. I convinced myself I would be no good. Too scared of judgement, worried I would be an embarassment. But who was I going to embarrass? Literally myself.
The passion nagged at me though. I launched my business first in 2021 then again in 2024 and each time was different. When I stopped in 2021, it was because I let imposter syndrome win and accepted every excuse as to why I couldn’t/shouldn’t. 2024 was different. I began my business as I had left off and enjoyed the learning, the growing, and the community. As I gained momentum and my passion became wild and free, It finally clicked–what I wanted my online presence to look like.
But if you believe in the universe, her wisdom and her power–then you will know I was only given half the information. The view, the goal, the dream–it wasn’t taking shape. I couldn’t bridge the gap between what I was currently doing and what I wanted to do. I had so much external noise and influence. I needed to stop, I needed to stretch, and I needed to find my own path.
I have always been someone to say “I walk to the beat of my own drum”. While it has never been too far different from everyone else, I have always been just slightly off to the side. Same same but different–that’s how I always feel.
It took me six long months to build that vision, to see how I can bridge the gap, and it made me feel like a failure. That because I had stopped my business again, that there was no point in restarting. You have given up, so just stop. Do you think that stopped the nagging feeling, the pieces continuing to fall into place?...I am glad the passion kept flowing even when I wasn’t sure of how to release it.
Now that it has fallen together, the stars have aligned. My dream has a place to be free, to play. I have created this blog to actualise my journey, to release my passions, and to take me on what feels like is going to be my biggest learning path yet. I intend to use this blog to record my history and guide my way to the dreams I know I can achieve, encourage my readers to listen to their path, follow their desires, and to provide some resources and a safe place for people who also dream to be as I am.
This blog will be about my business, my life, and probably some fun stories and nonsense along the way. Some posts that you can feel my motivation and excitement, and some you can feel I just got it out and done because dang it, something needed to be posted.
That is life, it is not linear, it is not smooth and it does not always go to my plan. But I won’t be letting fear or self-doubt block my path this time.
~Tammie x
